Cal: The next iteration of the iPhone will have no ports and be powered by removable disposable battery packs that you need to buy from Apple and all devices will connect wirelessly via iTooth instead of Bluetooth so you can only use apple approved peripherals.
Cal: The phone will have 7.5 cameras and 12 microphones and the speakers will be loud enough to emulate an LRAD for up to 12 meters.
Cal: The screen will be the exact same size as it has been for the past 4 years and there will be 2 versions of the phone: one with a slightly larger screen and the normal one.
Cal: The normal one will cost $2000 and the bigger one will be ₪6,000,000.  There will be no expansion capabilities but you can pay an extra 500$ on top of each of the devices for 32gb instead of 16.
Cal: You also need to pay a monthly $200 dollar usage fee to Apple for the privilege of using your phone that you don't actually own anymore.
Egg: but will it blend
Cal: Oh yeah and they're re-releasing the same thing in 12 months but they changed the colour a little bit and now the buttons on the UI look slightly more circular
Cal: Contrary to actual observable fact, the iPhone 13 and 13xl will not bend, and if it does, it is acceptable and a planned and intended feature.
Johnny: can I pay extra to preorder it
Cal: no, wait in line outside their store for 12 days like everyone else you fucking worthless consumer
Cal: give us more money
Cal: When the fragile screen inevitably cracks if you try to get it fixed by a third party, the phone will explode and kill everyone in the immediate vicinity.
Cal: You will then have all of your possessions confiscated under the EULA you agreed to when you purchased the device to make up for the profit loss that would have occured had you not used Apple's superior and in no way unaccountable or overpriced first party but not really and also outsourced to China repair service